And so it begins…
Last Saturday my alma mater’s football team pulled out an incredible win against Oklahoma University, which is ranked #3 in the nation. I was so proud of them, and as soon as they won, I promptly shared my love on facebook. “I heart my cougs” I said. My sister, who cheers for the wrong school and I proceeded to have a very heated “conversation” on my wall. So, in honor of my cougars playing again on Saturday, I bring you the very best of college football rivalries, hashed out between two sisters who share dozens of things in common. We have the same color of hair. We have the same eyes. We have (unfortunately for both of us) the same nose. We frequently show up to family gatherings wearing nearly identical outfits. Many of my relatives and high school acquaintances think we have the same face. (We don’t.) But, one thing we do not now, nor will we ever, share or even agree on is which side is right, in the greatest of all battles. The Holy War begins.*
*In the case of E v. H, we don’t have to wait for BYU to actually play U of U…. we just fight about it all year. There is pride at stake here, people. So, on that note, I bring you a facebook “conversation” which, except for my first status update, took place last Tuesday evening. Let the games begin.
E: I heart my cougs (posted Saturday after their incredible win over OU)
H: I like ponies. And sparkles. And whatever will eat a cougar.
E: I am afraid that ponies don’t eat cougars. Actually, I am pretty sure that Ute’s don’t eat cougars either. I think they respected them for their speed and skillz….
H: whatever, Utes chased them on their super-speedy ponies and tomahawked those dirty cougar heads in half. So let it be written, so let it be done.
E: oh, you are so dead. Cougars tore pansy utes into pieces to feed to their Cougar babies. And my cougar babies can beat up your utes babies.
H: aaah, see, but here is your giant Logic Fail. We don’t got no pansy utes. We only have tomahawking warrior Ute’s…and no matter how many cougar skulls we chop in half, no self-respecting Ute would feed a dirty cat to their babies. It’s unsanitary.
E: (pansy utes was referring to ALL utes, and yes you have them. You gots a chess club…. hear my cougar baby roar…. “rawrrrrr”)
H: you’re cougar baby squeaks, like a llama. “Squeaky-squeak-squeaker, squeak-squeakity-squeak-squeaken.”
E: My cougar baby will eat you. And squeak your bones in her teeth.
H: Your baby doesn’t have big enough teeth to squeak mashed carrots, let alone a whole warrior. You’s counting your ugly blue eggs before they hatch…you’s gonna get red ducks.
E: i will turn your red ducks into soup.
H: yes, feed the masses–including your squeaky cougar baby–with the red goodness and raise up a mighty nation until the Utes, and all shall flock to it and strengthen it, and all other (wimpy, blue) nations will be crushed under the Crimson Tide.
E: i was going to feed it to pigs…. and it would make them crazy, like the pigs in the bible, and then they would run off a cliff.
H: no, it was the devil that made the bible pigs crazy….gasp! You’re the devil?
E: um, no…. the soup… uh-duh. The red devil/duck soup will make them crazy. I can’t believe you are not following this whole derailed train of a conversation.
H: ….I don’t know what kind of religion you got from your school–but red duck soup won’t make pigs crazy. Sorry. In fact, I hear it’s actually quite lovely with toast.
E: religion… since when were we talking religion? I mean, if we are going to bring religion into it, let’s leave the soup out. No soup for you.
H: You’re the one who brought up the Bible! I don’t want none of your stinkin’ soup anyway. I’m taking my tea set and my dolls and my snacks and I’m going home. And I won’t invite you to my Birthday party. I won’t. Nope. Not one bit.
E: Fine. I don’t want to play dolls with you anyway. And I don’t like tea. And your snacks smell like old cheese. And I’m glad you aren’t inviting me to your birthday party. I’m not inviting you to MY birthday party. And I’m pretty sure my dad is bigger than your dad. And my brother can beat up your brother. And…. Goodbye. (Slams door behind you and your tea set and your dolls and your snacks, then brushes hands on pants.)
Unsuspecting bystander Jon C: now, now girls…can’t we all get along…?
(he is a Cougar fan… just thought I’d point that out)
H: And scene. Come back next week for another installment of “Heidi vs. Erika”, or “Utes vs Cougars”, or “How to Abuse Facebook in the name of School Pride”
Happy Football Weekend (Unless you cheer for the wrong side… then I hope you lose at San Jose Saturday night.)